Last night, I asked Esq. for a spanking for the FIRST TIME in our three years of dating. Well--I had planned to ask clearly and openly, but what ended up happening was that I basically threw a paddle at him and said, "Okay?"

He was confused, because early on in our relationship I somehow communicated that there must be a reason for spankings. Really, what I wanted him to know was that totally random or foreplay spankings don't do it for me. It's harder to communicate that yes, there does have to be a reason, but that reason could be "I know (from your tone, attitude, or body language) that you need this, and it's not your choice. Get over my knee."

There was a lot of "topping from the bottom" in this one, in that he stopped and wanted to give me a hug, but I just stayed over his knee and said "No," until he started spanking again. It also wasn't meaningful, in the sense that what I want from a spanking isn't just a red butt. My spanking itch is only truly scratched when there's a kind of absolution involved. There's nothing I like more than feeling real disapproval from my partner, then a resolution to correct me, and finally, forgiveness.

We've been bumbling along with this for three years, completely because of my inability to come right out and say what I want. The last time I was ever direct with Esq. about my need for spanking was in my online dating profile. Since then it's been a combination of talking around it, emailing articles, and sometimes snapping at him when it's not going right. I don't recommend this method, but talking about spanking out loud deeply terrifies me.

Maybe this is a baby step in a path that leads us to the dynamic that I really want?