Dear NSPoSB,

Look, I hate the term “spanko”, but it is widely used to describe a person with very specific experiences. If your partner has a spanking fetish, it’s been with them their entire lives. They probably looked up “spanking” in the dictionary by the time they got to 3rd grade. Then they probably looked it up many times after that, without really understanding why. They might have reread those scenes in the Little House books that featured spankings, or else watched with rapt attention if there was a spanking in a movie. Then, one day, they probably typed “spanking” into whatever search engine was popular at the time (I wonder, did anyone ever ask Jeeves about spanking? Surely they did).

It can be hard talking about the spanking bug. Here are some things you should know.

1. It’s almost impossible to talk about.

I don’t think that I am the only spanko who blushes just to hear the words “spank”, “discipline”, “punish”—or anything related. And forget about saying them aloud. Somehow we learn early on as children that we cannot talk about our weird fascination with spanking, and then it becomes a secret that we carry with us for decades. The longer we carry it with us, the harder it is to speak. I didn’t tell a soul until I was 17, and I still can’t talk about it aloud. I can’t even type it if I think that it will be read by someone I know. It’s difficult to communicate what we want and unfair to you. I’m sorry.

2. It’s not a sex thing. Except when it is.

When we tell you we like spanking, you’re probably thinking foreplay. That’s not what we mean. For many of us, spanking is a drive that runs parallel to our sex drive. The spankings that we want can be entirely non-sexual. Many of us look for spankings that are disciplinary or therapeutic in nature. A good spanking is a cure for many things: stress, grouchiness, attitude, sass.

But spanking and sex aren’t entirely unrelated, either. If we don’t have spankings in our lives, our sex drive plummets. Spankings outside the bedroom can have a very real effect on what happens inside the bedroom, even without a single sexual spanking. Personally, I’d rather live my life without sex than without spanking.

3. Spank harder than you think.

There are a lot of people who are into spanking a little bit—like a couple of smacks on the ass during sex—but spankos want a real spanking. That’s a lot more involved than what normal people want when they say they like being spanked. Spankos want to you take them to a straight-backed armless chair, tip them over your knee, and spank their behind red. And they probably want you to scold them while you do.

Obviously, this differs depending on the individual. But in general, I know mostly spankos who would much rather get spanked a little too hard than be left feeling unsatisfied. A good way to do this is to start spanking with your hand, not too hard, maybe over their clothes, and progress to spanking their bare behind. Maybe you use a hairbrush or other implement as the spanking reaches its climax.

Lots of spankos would love to cry from a spanking. Some of us just can’t no matter how painful it is. Some of us (ahem, me) cry from two swats with a paddle. You’ll just have to make your partner tell you their limits. Consider using a safeword if they want to be able to resist the spanking without stopping it.

NSPoSB, there are so many things that your partner is trying to imply when they say, “I’m into spanking.” I know that I haven’t covered all of them, but I hope it’s a start. Dig deeper into what they mean. Ask them specific questions. Make them answer in writing: it will probably get you more detailed answers. And know that you are doing your partner a huge service by participating in this deeply-rooted need that they have.

Love,

Ophelia