Hello, and welcome to Ask Miss Switch! When Ophelia, my BSF (Best Spanko Friend) told me she was going to try to start an online spanko magazine, I was all in. I demanded to have my own advice column. I’m obsessed with them. I’ve read advice columns religiously, starting in middle school (my eighth-grade class voted me Most Likely To Be The Next Dear Abby). Now, I procrastinate on my work by bouncing back and forth between Ask a Manager, Captain Awkward, Dear Prudence, Carolyn Hax, and many others. 

 

I’m so excited to start a spanko-specific advice column of my own and procrastinate by writing advice rather than reading it. 

 

Today’s question isn’t an advice question, but it was the first one I got in my inbox! And don’t worry: I’ll give some advice, whether I’m asked or not. 

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I was wondering when did you first discover that you like spanking? How it all started basically?

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I, like many others, thought obsessively about spanking from a very young age. I vividly remember thinking about it from at least second grade. I have no idea what started it: genetics? Some formative early experience? Whatever it was, it stuck with me. I dog-eared pages in books that referenced spankings and looked the word up in the dictionary many times. 

 

Now, I categorize it as a sexual orientation. I don’t care what gender my partners are; I just care that they’re into spanking. I am a switch, usually exclusively a top or bottom in any particular relationship, but I do have to have it in my life. I personally wouldn’t date anyone vanilla. 

 

Growing up, I knew that it was a weird, shameful secret. I didn’t tell anyone else about it until I was 16 or 17. Luckily, I had the most supportive friend group ever. Everyone had some weird little quirk, and they just took mine in stride. I talked to them about it openly, and some friends even played with me a little, even though it wasn’t strictly their thing. I think that’s probably the best way it could have gone for me as a teenager.

 

As a young adult, I made a lot of friends in the online spanko community, but I have one non-spanko friend who is a lifeline for me. She was my roommate just after college, and she is one of the straightest, non-kinkiest people I know. Yet, she has been the most understanding vanilla friend I’ve ever had. I was just coming out of this time in my life when everyone I was close to knew and understood my fetish, and I hadn’t yet gotten out of my oversharing habit. We talked about everything when we lived together. She is still the first friend I go to when I need to talk about my relationships, even though she doesn’t have a fetish herself. 

 

So here’s the advice part, not necessarily for the letter writer, but for anyone who is struggling with their spanko identity like I did:

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1. Get you a friend with whom you can talk about spanking things! They can be an online spanko friend or a trusted non-spanko friend, but I think everyone needs a person they can be absolutely honest with. You have to pick this friend carefully, though. Don’t pick someone who tells you other people’s secrets: you can be 99% sure that they will gossip about you, too. And if they’re a non-spanko friend, look for signs that they won’t judge you for your fetish. How do they talk about LGBTQ people? Sex workers? Other fetishes? Do they judge other people for fairly petty things? How do they handle other sensitive topics? With my high school and college friends, we had a “No such thing as TMI” policy, and we knew that we were in a safe space. We trusted each other. If you have even an inkling that this friend might be unkind about it, don’t say anything. But if they speak with compassion and kindness about other personal topics, they might be a good candidate for someone you talk about your spanking fetish with. 

 

1. Don’t exclusively date someone who doesn’t get it at all. This is your sexuality: take it seriously. Trust me, you’ll be unhappy with someone who doesn’t even want to try. You might find real happiness with someone who knows and accepts your fetish, but you’ll be frustrated and unhappy with someone who rejects it outright. Even if you have that flush of new relationship energy at the beginning, it will fade, and the lack of understanding will grate at you. Don’t force your partner into it. I mean, you just can’t. If they don’t understand, they don’t. Whether you’re into spanking or getting spanked, you won’t get a satisfactory experience out of it. Even if you really click with that person, I think that sexuality is a dealbreaker. It is a need in your relationship. If you’re polyamorous, you have the option of fulfilling this need with a different partner. If you’re monogamous, you might need to deeply consider the possibility that it just won’t work. That can be hard to hear, but I think it’s worth it to search for someone who truly gets you. It only takes one. 

 

I am here for anyone with a spanko question! Please email me at ask.miss.switch@gmail.com if you’d like to ask for my advice! I don’t promise that it’s perfect, but I will give you my best answer. 

 

Love,

Miss Switch