Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
I’ve tried out all kinds of dynamics. When I first went looking in the kink world, I exclusively looked for disciplinarians who would have some limited control over me without really being involved in my life outside of that. Eventually, though, I wanted more, although the idea still appeals to me.
Later, I looked for a romantic relationship with someone into spanking--the fetish from which all my interest in submission comes--but those never really worked out. The spanking parts were great! They were exactly what I wanted! But I never found the chemistry I was looking for outside of the spanking. Maybe I was too picky: there was always some little thing that bothered me, and then I broke up with them.
I tried polyamory, and that didn’t work, either; I’m wildly introverted. I had my spanking/kink relationships and my romantic relationships, which was fine for a while. At that time, I was also finding my partners in the BDSM scene in my city. I went to our local BDSM club with dates quite a few times, and my submission was mostly expressed in scenes. It was a disaster! I wanted a more encompassing dynamic, but I could never get it right with people who identified as general kinksters. Eventually I realized that I didn’t have the energy to date multiple people at once, especially ones who were an okay but not great fit for me, and I broke up with everyone.
That’s when I met Esquire. He doesn’t have a spanking fetish, and he’s never gone anywhere near the BDSM scene. He’s naturally very dominant, though. He’s much more decisive than I am and loves to be in charge. We had instant chemistry. It’s more of a 24/7 kind of thing, although he’s still wrapping his head around how spanking fits into it. We’ve been exclusive from the start: no play partners, no outside disciplinarians, none of that. We’ve had some rough patches while we’ve figured out how to make our interests align, but on the whole it’s the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. When we get the spanking thing right, it ticks all my boxes.
I have to admit that, once in a while, I’ll still come across someone in day to day life who is palpably dominant. It’s never anything sexual, but I go the extra mile for those people, and it does send a secret little shiver through me--even though I know from experience that the little shiver does not a relationship make.